Futility and the pillow

Yes I know really strange blog title, but let me explain. My head rested on my pillow last night, but there was little snoring to be had on my part. Sleep was an effort in futility and my pillow was an up close and personal witness to that little fact. Lately I have not had much problems with missing sleep, thanks to a major life changes, but now and then insomnia rears its ugly head

I’ve dealt with insomnia for most of my adult life. Sometimes one of those little cogs in my brain will fixate on something, and like a hamster on an exercise wheel, will go round and round and round, with no destination or end in sight. I have to be very careful not to watch television or a movie too close to bedtime, especially if it is violent or there is a catchy tune in there somewhere. My brain will latch on to that with the tenacity of super glue, and I will lie awake half the night while I wait for my brain to stop running on that damned wheel. Trust me those catchy tunes are the worst, especially the ones from movies involving beleaguered princesses.

Sometimes, it in anticipation of an expected event, like a trip I am going to be taking, or something fun and personal, I have been working on achieving and it all comes together tomorrow. All that hyper, nervous energy just won’t tamp down enough for me to do much more then toss and turn, all night. Did that just give you a certain Bobby Lewis song for your brain to chew on? Well it did me. Sorry about that, lack of sleep, makes my brain work in more then it’s usual strange and mysterious ways.

Most of the time, my insomnia is due to stress, sudden or long term. Before I separated from my husband, insomnia was a common theme in my sleep patterns. I didn’t realize until afterwards how the extreme negative environment of my relationship was affecting something as mundane as sleep, until a couple of months after we separated.  My sleep patterns had gotten so bad that I needed medication for a short time to reset things. Sudden stress episodes, especially the negative ones, will have me lying wide awake at 4 A.M. while my brain plays every possible scenario, with imagined dialog,  by the people involved in the situation, and no sure outcome from any of it. My overactive imagination takes full advantage of the situation. It is most frustrating.

This last is the reason I was up making coffee this morning at 4:30, having given up on getting any real sleep, and I am sitting here, still in my pajamas, wishing the coffee cup wouldn’t empty so quickly. I had an unexpected and very unpleasant turn of events that happened yesterday that is all part of the whole nasty, let’s get a divorce thing. Someone,  not sure quite yet who the real instigator is, tried to pull a fast one, even though I tried to make clear many things about this matter weeks in advance, so this very thing would not happen. It ended up being a very upsetting day without being able to resolve a single aspect of it till later this morning. That makes for the perfect setting for” Sylvie ain’t getting a wink of sleep”.

So all my friends and co-workers out there, please be patient with me today. I am a bit punchy, still grouchy, want a nap, that just isn’t going to fit into my schedule, and am just hoping and praying, ( I do a lot of that these days) that all this goes away soon, and I can once again enjoy  6 to 8 hours of blissful sleep.

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