Fake Religion

As I mentioned a few months ago, I am trying to get the process of writing a book going. One of the things I need to do is organize several years worth of stuff I’ve done over the past six years and put it into some sort of cohesive order. The other night, I was looking through my documents and came across the title “fake religion”.  Having no clue what I had written, curiosity won out and I looked at a little piece I had done a few years ago, and forgotten all about.

The topic was about religion. Considering how religion is such a hot topic these days, I actually found what I had written back then rather relevant. You see religion can be the most ridiculous construct humanity has ever come up with. What makes it even more ludicrous is how we get all up in arms over one concept or another. So much so that people have started wars, people have died. More commonly however, someone got pissed off, took half their friends and started a new church just down the street.

The anger over ideals, the politicizing of faith in our culture, the polarization that is occurring in my own faith, Christianity, to me is maddening, and is something I’ve been miffed about for some time. To me, none of it belongs in a religion that is supposed to be based on the teachings of a former Jewish Carpenter, who taught forgiveness, respect, compassion, and generosity. Jesus encouraged helping those in need, loving others no matter what social or cultural status they found themselves in, and demonstrated that such so called boundaries mattered little to Him, or apparently to God.  Why aren’t those concepts common practice? Why instead is it more common to see fights over silly things such as which bible to use, which interpretation of a passage of that bible is the right “god-given” one, are you pre-trib or post, which sect of the faith is in line with God’s will? Why the push to have one view on matters of faith be the only “right” view? Why, if one says “Err, just wait a minute, I don’t look at it that way.” does it usually cause division, arguments, and a widening gap in religious culture? All that just drives me nuts. Maybe because religion itself can represent a cavalcade of nutty ideas.

Which is why one day I wrote the basic outline for an entirely new religion.

Ok, the idea isn’t completely original, but as you will see, I did give it some organization, some basic ground rules and tenets. I am still working out the vestments, the donation structure and whether I can sneak in a non-tax status as well. The trick, of course is to figure out how to rake in billions of dollars, multiple books deals and a mega-fortress style cathedral that seats a 1000 congregates a service.

Now before you scoff, or threaten to call the IRS for my supposed money making scheme, let me suggest that many of you are already partakers of this faith, you just didn’t know it, until now. The beliefs are fairly simple, the commandments, only seven instead of the usual ten and the rituals, just four main ones.

Main Beliefs

 That The Great Feline is benevolent and kind.

 That we live to serve The Great Feline.

That The Great Feline is found in the smaller version of itself all over the world. We must show adoration to these avatars with the same fervency as we would show The Great Feline.

 That all gifts of the Great Feline are demonstration of The Great Felines love for us, no matter how disgusting, slimy, hairy or pungent they may appear. A sudden appearance of small disemboweled rodents means that you’ve been granted extra favor.

 The commandments

 1. Thou shalt welcome any representations of the Great Feline into your home for as long as they wish to stay.

 2. Thou shalt make sure that the demonstration of self-sacrifice is done daily by making sure your feline representatives are fed before you.

3. Petting, do it often.

4. Relinquish all comfortable spots gladly to the Great Feline Representative in your home.

 5. Do not neglect the litter box. 

6. Patience is to be learned. Representatives are prepared to test you on patience constantly. Lessons such as shredded papers, lost earrings, love offerings left in strange places, etc. are designed to teach patience and appreciation to The Great Feline work in our lives.

 7. Dogs, vacuum cleaners, and cheap kibbles are evil in the sight of the Great Feline. They must be kept away from any avatar.

 Important rituals include.

 The humble act of adoration shown by acceptance The Great Feline’s representative’s love gift to you from its clay lined shrine. It is to be carefully and lovingly bagged and placed into a designated receptacle. Failure to do so will result in a variety of unpleasantness experienced by the devotee.

 The humble act of joy shown by stroking and petting the Great Feline’s representative at any time that the representative deems timely. Signs of discomfort by the devout because of dug in claws or teeth piercing skin will cause displeasure to The Great Feline. 

The humble act of gratitude demonstrated by feeding only the best to your deity’s representative, even if it is off your own plate. Doing so before you’ve eaten, had coffee or used your own toilet please The Great Feline greatly.

 Devotees of the Great Feline get no holidays. They exist to serve the Great Feline for as long as The Great Feline deems necessary. Devotees can arrange for time away from their duties just so long they make arrangements for the care and adoration of the representative in residence. However devotees can expect possible punishment for the feelings of abandonment expressed by the Great Feline’s representatives. 

You see? Now how many of you were participants? Sadly I think there is no money in the faith though. Avatars of the Great Feline have amazingly discriminating taste in food and litter.

Now, it has become quite obvious that one of my own avatars is not going to let me do anything worthwhile like go through all those document files so I can get back to trying to organize stuff for a hoped for book. Lunatic, the great Sheddinator, has decided that my desk, particularly the portion of my desk containing the mouse, is her napping spot for the day. I’ve tired of trying to move her, so I am going to follow her lead and nap myself.

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