When my children were small, I knew the location of every clean and easily accessible public restroom in three states. Not really, but it was important for me to at least have a decent knowledge of clean toilet locations in my area, because my little darlings had tiny bladders that never needed emptying at the same time.
Now that they are all grown and on their own, I’m finding myself, once again having to learn where the clean and easy to get to toilets lie, preferably those with toilet paper still on the roll. The reason is thanks to an aging bladder and a gastric issue that began a couple of years ago.
At first it was just acid reflux at night, that slowly but steadily worsened. Next was the discovery that eating would make post meal time, a solid hour of wishing the damned Tums would work already. None of the OTC remedies worked, so I buckled down and got the entire digestive tract checked out. I walked away with a diagnosis of Diverticulosis, IBS, an extracted benign polyp, a script for Nexium, and a whopping bill.
Six months later, I’ve discovered that my body is starring in a soap opera. My colon and the toilet are carrying on a torrid affair with the roll of toilet paper acting as a gleeful enabler. There are some days I can’t keep those two apart. The indignity of spending more time in the bathroom while these two cavort is when my stomach begins to serenade rumbling “love songs” to whomever may be in earshot. This is not an issue that is easily kept secret.
I’ve done all I can to keep this affair from getting out of control, trying without any success to see what foods are the siren mating call between intestine and porcelain, but I can’t figure it out. There is no food, or food combination that can guarantee whether or not another episode of As The Toilet Paper Rolls is pending. Episodic renditions of “POOP NOW POOP NOW!!!” , “Bloat Till She Floats”, “The Rock In My Belly” or “Is This Nausea or a Pending Belch?” at least add a bit of variety,
One of these days I will figure out how what it is that triggers all of this. It’s still a mystery, as what bothers my digestion one day, leaves it completely unfazed the next. I just wish there was a hidden benefit to speedier digestion in the form of less of me to lug around. No such luck.